The traffic is in a hurry, the pedestrians are in a hurry, the neon is shining, the spirit is shining.
I raise my glass in front of the dinner table in the middle of the night and my voice boils, but I feel absurd and lonely.
I was carrying the heavy picture clip in the heavy rain, I saw the model in the ambiguous night faint to render gold, I found myself in the teacher's voice of negation - ah, a vegetable chicken college student who had no idea, did not understand design, could not support the wall.
I am lazy. Slumped in the chair, I brush my mobile phone, the light of the pale screen, my pale face under the pale light.
I overeat. I watched myself swell, as if I didn't have the skin covered with meat. I always fill my appetite, is the brain in hunger, is the heart in hunger, every heartbeat, like a hollow echo.
I'm sick. I missed the exam because of red spots and pus oozing from my body.
I always think that it will be better in the future, but no, this semester I have been going downhill.
I want to come out, I want to learn design well, I want to draw well, I want to be a respected person, I want to do too many things. But what?
I smell like mud, and my soul seems to fall into the abyss of decay. My body is becoming more and more ugly. I look at this deformed body and wonder what to eat next.
I eat all the way.
As long as I pass by any store where I can buy food, I'm controlled to go in and buy any package of food. It's like stuffing machine fuel into my mouth - this merciless black hole, the stimulation on the taste buds is very weak, I can't feel the beauty and happiness of food - I just chew and swallow it mechanically.
As long as anyone in the circle of friends sends a message about what I eat today, my crazy appetite starts to soar. I want to eat the same type of food. If I can't eat it, I feel it's hard to bear, as if the food is really my favorite in my life.
I think carbohydrates are my cocaine.
No one from the opposite sex has accosted me, but it doesn't matter. I don't like it at all. What really makes me sad is that I lost my self-confidence completely in front of those beautiful, delicate and delicate girls. I dare not look into their eyes. I know that I kneel in my heart again.
I am so poor that I can't learn anything. I am like two people who are eager to try.
There are many spots on my face without any reason, and each one is like the shame I am hanging.
My social skills seem so awkward and vulgar, but I have lost the right to choose.
However, I will not tell anyone anything about the above negative emotions. In front of them, I am still a human being. I can barely prop up a bunch of dry skin bags. Even in front of my younger brother and younger sister, I am still a glorious image of bitterness. I failed in the college entrance examination and could come to the last 985 as if it were decent.
What if I told them about my negative emotions? Will they understand? How about understanding it? Now I finally come to the conclusion that "people's joys and sorrows are not the same". Everyone is very busy, and they are more and more like adults - only me, who seems to be reluctant to part with my childhood, rebellious adolescence, which is long overdue.
After college, I never made true friends again, but don't we all? I joined the student union, the social Federation and the Construction Association. It turns out that only the number of contacts in the circle of friends has increased dramatically. What I should not be familiar with is still unfamiliar. I seem to lack the ability to establish deep contact with others.
It rained on the winter solstice night in Shanghai. In the early morning of this morning, I was still curling up in front of the hospital bed, typing on my back, listening to the rain outside the window as if it were music from heaven.
Winter in Shanghai is not cold.
There is not even snow here.
I feel homesick.